is just one of the things we like to celebrate at Permanent Plastic Helmet on a regular basis, reflecting neatly as it does our love of profound facial hair, the 1980s, and ruggedly handsome leading men of yesteryear (I know he’s in Blue Bloods, but the guy’s hardly at his peak). So imagine our delight when this video surfaced on the internet. Full credit to YouTuber Buchan39 for a masterpiece of cheaply rendered imposition. Just sit back and enjoy:
Apropos of nothing, here’s a great clip from Robert Townsend’s 1987 debut Hollywood Shuffle, which satirizes movie critics (in particular Siskel & Ebert) and strings together a bundle of inspired movie parodies – Dirty Larry is a particular highlight.
I wrote about Hollywood Shuffle as a “Film That You Probably Haven’t Seen But Definitely Should”, and fully stand by that assessment. Things have been quiet on the Townsend front, with his last film credit the little never-seen Phantom Punch, a biopic of boxer Sonny Liston, with Pulp Fiction buggeree (and hugely underrated dramatic actor) Ving Rhames in the lead role.
It is a shame that Townsend, who showed insight and real talent with his debut, has faded into near directorial obscurity with TV movies and straight-to DVD family fare. Here’s hoping he can make a comeback some time soon.
“What you say honky, sucka, pig-head, jive turkey ,fool!”
1. Gigli (2003) – Walken saunters into the middle of one of the most dreadful films of recent history to deliver the kind of unhinged cameo that only he can. From his offscreen ranting (“IT’S YOUR MOTHER!”, “Larry, I have a chicken!”) to his deranged threat/come-on to a confounded Ben Affleck (whose palpable confusion is probably for real) the whole episode is pure Walken gold. Fast-forward to 3:50 for the scene’s high point, in which he delivers the memorable lines: “You know what I’d love to do, right now? Go down to Marie Callender’s and get me a big bowl, pies, some ice cream on it, mmm hmm good. Put some on your head, your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it! Interested?”. Inexplicable, and wonderful.
2. All-American Murder (1991) – In which Walken swaggers into a rubbish TV movie (directed, weirdly, by Anson Williams aka Potsie Webber from Happy Days), insouciantly dispensing threats to rubbernecking members of the public, before going on to diffuse a hostage situation in fine style. Walken looks and acts like he’d rather be anywhere else, but delivers lines such as “In the time it takes you to get a hard on, she could simonize a car and learn Hebrew” with deadpan brilliance. Enjoy:
The DVD cover of Deadfall (1993), featuring Nicolas Cage looking NOTHING LIKE HE DOES AT ANY POINT IN THE FUCKING MOVIE! WTF!?
We all love Nicolas Cage. We’ve all seen Nicolas Cage losing his shit. Some of us have seen the wonderful Nicolas Cage matrix. But as far as I’m concerned, much more needs to be made of the one film in that first compilation that I couldn’t put my finger on.
The one where Cage is sporting an oil-slick bowl-cut, McDonalds sunglasses, and Rupert Pupkin moustache. The film that didn’t even make it onto the Nicolas Cage matrix.
The one that is called Deadfall.
All credit here must go to YouTuber (and heroic compiler of the most appalling movie scenes of all time) watercooler who, three or four years ago, must presumably have been able to stop laughing for long enough to cut together a comprehensive record of one of the most profoundly baffling performances in the history of cinema.
As Cage goes from strength to strength, from berserk to berserker, I love to imagine the director (incidentally Christopher Coppola, Francis’ nephew, who proves himself more Jack than Apocalypse Now) sitting in his chair, head in hands, wondering how he might be able to curb the engulfing typhoon of cheese and ham without hurting anyone’s feelings. Equally, I love to imagine that Cage did this on purpose to deliberately ruin Coppola’s career. After all, Cage went on to win an Oscar, Coppola went on to… feature on a Cats 101 episode on Animal Planet with his pet Burmese cat Otto.
Permanent Plastic Helmet 
