I hate John Mayer. You hate John Mayer. His weak eyes. His stupid face. His crap songs. His shit hair. What follows is a selection of extracts from his recent interview with Playboy that will add further flesh to the bones of your burgeoning antipathy.
Mayer’s comments are so excruciatingly and irredeemably c*ntish as to preclude me from the need to editorialize or contextualize them further, although special attention should be reserved for suggestion that he’s “so meta-aware that its off-putting to people” – Amidst his miasma of twattery, he has, in that quote, put a rocket up the arse of the concept of irony. Read and weep:
“I could have fucked a lot more girls in my life if I hadn’t been trying so hard to get them to like me. If I have a conversation with a really hot girl that lasts all night and she says, “Wow, I had no idea I was going to like you this much,” that is the equivalent, for me, of getting laid.”
“Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.”
“It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.”
“Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’””
“I don’t think I open myself to it [black women throwing themselves at me]. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick”
My John! My John! What have ye done!
Click here for your chance to wade through the ocean of bum-gravy that is the full interview, in order to unearth your own nuggets of horror.